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FROM THE SCIENCE SECTION - 18 MONTHS
AGO
MUTANT PUMPKINS DISCOVERED
A strange phenomena has been noted on the remote pacific island of
Tunga Wonga. The island’s main form of vegetable life, the “Pungent
Pumpkin”, has started swelling up to four times it’s normal size and
has changed colour from it’s normal mellow yellow to an iridescent
glowing purple. By coincidence a foreign power has just started
dumping waste nuclear fuel on the island. A large portion of the
island is owned by the Hogwash family. Sir Hamish Hogwash, the
amateur botanist, has had samples of the pumpkins delivered to his
crumbling Yorkshire manor house so he can study them. “They really
are remarkable,” he told reporters yesterday. “I intend to get
Professor Emmelius Bunsen, the celebrated research scientist, to
help me investigate their properties. But I feel this could be the
start of something BIG!”
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FROM THE GOSSIP COLUMN - 13 MONTHS
AGO
BEAUTY AND HER BOY
Among the luxury yachts sailing into St Tropez
harbour at the weekend was that belonging to Lady “Beauty” Fading.
The aging society beauty is attending the film festival with her
latest find, young man about town, Clifton Curry. Little is known
about Mr Curry apart from his passion for fast cars and his
reputation as a somewhat shady businessman. Let us hope that Mr
Curry lasts longer than Lady Fading’s previous “boyfriends”. The
current record is six weeks!
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FROM “BUSINESS REVIEW” - 6 MONTHS
AGO
“SIZZLING SEX” LAUNCHED
At a champagne breakfast launch this morning, the
doors opened on the latest West End sales and marketing agency.
“Sizzling Sex Unlimited” is the brainchild of international career
girl, Gigi Sparkle. Gigi, 28, who once headed the payroll at
American fashion magazine “Swish”, declared her aim was “to put
sizzle and sensuality into everyday products.” When asked if trading
as an unlimited company made good business sense, Gigi swiftly
replied “Sex should never be limited!” With a girl like that in
charge, the agency should go far!
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FROM THE SPORTS PAGE - 2 MONTHS
AGO
LLOYD’S LITIGATION VICTORY
Disgraced hurdler Lloyd Lunchbox finally had his
reputation restored yesterday when his conviction for drug abuse was
overturned. Lloyd, known as much for the way he fills his lycra
shorts as for his hurdling, tested positive for illegal substances
after his silver medal win at the Commonwealth Games. Since then he
has been fighting to have the conviction overturned. On the steps of
Athletics House yesterday, Lloyd said “I am pleased to have finally
been exonerated. I now want to put all this behind me and focus on
the next Olympic games.” The Daily Clout wishes him well in his
quest for gold.
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FROM THE COMPETITION PAGE - LAST
WEEK
COMPETITION WINNER
The winner of the Daily Clout’s “Romantic Read”
fiction competition is secretary Miss Mavis Cheek. Miss Cheek won
for her inspired composition entitled “What I would do in Mr Darcy’s
breeches.” The judges confessed to being completely blown away by
the descriptive power of this work. Miss Cheek wins a romantic
novel, every month, for life.
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©2005
- Tim Morrell
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